


You're the only Light in this Darkness

by Emilythegirlwhodreamed



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Baz has PTSD, Lots of Simon and Baz moments, M/M, One of the characters has a panic attack, there is some swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-07 05:17:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5444630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilythegirlwhodreamed/pseuds/Emilythegirlwhodreamed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically what I think would've happened in Carry On if Simon and Baz had kissed sooner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I actually wrote a version where Simon is claustrophobic (Which I might post later) before I wrote this one, but then I realized Baz probably doesn't like small spaces, and he definitely doesn't like the dark, and thus, this was born.  
> As usual, the character belong to the talented Rainbow Rowell, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.  
> And remember, every time you comment/leave kudos, a fanfiction writer gets their wings.

I finally convinced Simon that we should follow The Mage. He agreed, just to prove he was innocent. We followed him into the library, down to the basement ("A horrible idea." I said. "It'll be fine, what could happen?" Snow said.) we followed him down into the basement, into a small room full of old papers and books, more like a storage closet than anything. Just as we realized he wasn't in there, the door swung shut and locked, and the room was plunged into darkness. And now I'm stuck in a small room with Snow. Just great.

"So, how do you suppose we get out of here?" Snow asks.  
I take out my wand and **Open Sesame** the door. "Crowley, it's been spelled shut."  
"And? Can we unspell it shut?"  
"Why are you asking me, Snow? You're the chosen one here. 'The most powerful mage to ever walk the earth'? shouldn't you be the one trying to open it?"  
"Baz, I think we both know very well why that would be a bad idea."  
"A lot of good you are, Snow!" I spit at him. This space is starting to get much too small. Too dark. I feel like I can't breath. _What the hell is wrong with me?_ I can't stop thinking about the numpties, the coffin, the darkness. It's so fucking dark in here.  
"Baz, are you okay?" Snow asks almost gently.  
His voice brings me back to the present, at least a little bit. "Yeah, I'm fine. We just need to find a way out of here." I try kicking the door a couple times, but it doesn't budge.  
"If we could figure out what spell he used then maybe we could break it."  
"Yeah, that would be great, but how are we supposed to figure that out?"  
We both sit down against the wall, not knowing what else to do, then it's far too quiet, and too dark, once again. I'm reminded of the numpties. Of how the only time I saw any light was when they were throwing more blood into my coffin. I can't breath, and I can't move. I feel like I'm there again, completely trapped. Alone.  
I feel a hand touch mine lightly and realize I have tears on my face.  
"Baz?" Simon says gently (I never thought his voice would ever be that gentle when talking to me. I kind of love it) "What's wrong?"  
I try to look at Simon, but it's too dark to see. "It's so dark in here." I manage to get out.  
"Well, it's handy that we just happen to be mages, you know, who have magic, which we happen to be able to use to create fire. Although I suggest you do it, otherwise I would probably light both of us on fire."  
Aleister Crowley, why hadn't I thought of that? I light a fire in my palm, making sure to keep it away from my body. It dispels some of the darkness and I feel like I can breath again, just a little.  
"Okay, care to tell me what that was about?" Snow sounds concerned, expecting me to flip out again at any moment.  
"It's none of your business, Snow." I don't know if I want to tell him or not. It's not like he'll care, but he also won't leave me alone until I tell him.  
"Well, maybe it's not, but you might as well tell me anyway, because we're going to be stuck here for a while." One of his curls falls down into his face as he talks, and I have to stop myself from reaching over and brushing it out of his face.  
I sigh. I guess I might as well tell him. "Fine. You wanna know where I was at the beginning of the year? I was kidnapped. By fucking numpties. Someone hired them to kidnap me, and they kept me in a coffin for 6 weeks. It was dark and small. You might imagine why I don't like our current situation very much."  
"Baz.." For a minute he just stares at me, shocked. He looks almost remorseful (I'm imagining it, I'm sure. Just because we've called a temporary truce doesn't mean we're friends.)  
"Who hired them to kidnap you?"  
"If I knew that, you think they'd still be alive?"  
"I'm sorry."  
We're both silent for a couple minutes, there isn't anything to say. Then suddenly the room goes dark again. I must have been too distracted, I forgot to keep up the flame spell. Before I get a chance to think about lighting it again, it's like my body goes into panic mode. I can't breath, my pulse is racing, I feel like I'm probably trembling. _Aleister Crowley this is annoying..._  
"Baz. Shhh. It's okay." Snow practically whispers, he's sitting directly across from me now, so close our knees are practically touching, with his hand on my shoulder. I can't think, I'm not thinking, I just want to be able to breath again. So I do the only logical thing (not). I lunge forward, put my hand on the back of Simon's neck, and I kiss him.  
It's everything I imagined it to be, it feels like fire, like everything is burning down around us, and it's the closest I've come to breathing since we got locked in this godforsaken place.  
It takes me a minute to realize that Snow has wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me closer, and that _he's kissing me back..._  
Everything is on fire. Or maybe it's not, maybe that's me. It feels like every place our bodies are touching is burning, lighting me on fire, and it's the most wonderful thing I've ever felt. Snow's left hand is in my hair, tugging at my scalp, and his right hand is on my back, pushing me closer to him.  
We finally break away for air, both of us panting, but neither one of us moves away from the other. I sink back against the wall next to Snow, his arm is around my shoulders.  
"So..." he chuckles softly "That just happened."  
I kissed him, and he kissed me back. What does this even mean? "Yeah. It did."  
"I think I actually enjoyed it."  
"I know I did." He smirks at me. The bastard, he actually smirks, and I feel my heartbeat quicken for very different reasons than earlier. The fact that his arm is still around my shoulders doesn't help anything.  
"Baz?"  
"Hm?"  
"I think I liked that." This time I'm the one smirking as he leans forward and closes the distance between us...  
The door swings open and the room fills with light.  
"Umm, okay. Well, I thought when you guys didn't come back that you might need some help. It looks like you're good."  
"Penelope! Thank magic! How did you find us?" asked Snow.  
"It's a long story, as I'm sure is this." She gestures towards us and the fact that she walked in on us kissing.  
"Yeah, a little bit. We'll explain later. I think it's time to get out of here." We both get up and follow Bunce out of the basement.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny and Simon have a talk, and get interrupted by a dragon attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally back after the holidays!  
> I originally wrote the first chapter of this as a one-shot, but I felt like I didn't really end it, so, thanks to some lovely comments I decided to continue it and see what I came up with. I hope you enjoy it! I intend to keep going with this, hopefully I'll have another chapter up within a week, but no promises.  
> As usual, the character belong to the talented Rainbow Rowell, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.  
> And remember, every time you comment/leave kudos, a fanfiction writer gets their wings.

The three of us are walking back to mummers hall, no one has said anything since we left the basement.

"Simon, come with me. We need to talk." Penelope says. I don't miss the slight clip to her voice, I follow her, of course, because she's Penny, I'd be a fool not to do what she says.

We reach an empty place in the forest, and she turns to face me "What in the name of magic is going on? Were you just snogging Baz?"

"Well, yeah, I guess I was."

"Simon! What the hell were you thinking?"

"I wasn't really thinking, except, I wanted to kiss him. I know it sounds insane! It is pretty insane. But he kissed me and I kissed him back, and I think I'm starting to like him."

"Are you gay, Simon?"

That's the question that's been going through my head nonstop since we kissed, "Honestly? I don't know. I've never really thought about it before."

She softens a bit, "Simon, if that's what you want, then I'll support you in it, but be careful, this is Baz we're talking about. You know 'My roommate is evil. He's plotting to kill me. Ect. ect.' That Baz. I just don't want you to rush into something without thinking, and this definitely seems like rushing into something without thinking."

"I know. I guess I need to actually talk to him."

"Maybe it's best you wait a bit, figure out what you're going to say first."

"That's going to be a bit hard, considering we share a room together. And I don't think Trixie the Pixie would be very happy to have me crashing in your room. Plus... I don't really want to wait that long."

"I know. You're going to have to talk to him tonight, but come have tea with me, maybe food will help you think better." She reaches out her hand to help me up. I take it, and we walk to the dining hall.

By the time we walk into the dining hall tea time is half over, but thankfully they don't mind us going and serving ourselves whenever we want. I breath a sigh of relief when I notice Baz isn't here. I don't want to avoid him, actually, what I want to do is go and kiss him again, but I really do need some time to think.

We get tea and scones and go to sit down at our usual table, that's when we hear the screams.

The the doors burst open and the hall is filled with kids running frantically.

Penny manages to catch one of the first years by the arm, "What is it? What's going on?"

"A dragon!" The girl screamed, "The humdrum sent a dragon!"

My sword is in my hand and we're both running out of the building.

~~~

It's been a couple hours since Snow and Bunce disappeared, and it's driving me mad.

 _I kissed him. He kissed me._ After so long telling myself it'll never happen, I have a glimmer of hope, he wasn't disgusted, he didn't push me away, he kissed me back. _Aleister Crowley..._

I hear a roar and a crash, followed by screaming, and obviously, my first thought is Snow. Who else would it be?

I run outside, and of course, of course, I see Snow, riding a bloody dragon.

He takes his sword out... Oh, no. I can feel the humdrum in the air, he sent the dragon, she doesn't want to be here. I can't let him kill it

I cast a **Hear ye, hear ye** so he'll hear me over all the noise.

"Simon! Don't hurt it!" He looks at me like I'm completely mad, but he stops anyway.

"They're not dark creatures! You can't kill it!"

I know what I need to do. I start running towards it as it shoots fire at me.

"Baz! No! You're flammable!" Snow screams.

"So is everything." I say, getting out my wand.

"Baz! Please, get away!"

"I can't do that, Snow, I'm not going to let you hurt her." I know what it's like to be turned into a monster against your will.

I point my wand and start casting a spell, **_"Ladybird, Ladybird, fly away home, your house is on fire and your children are gone."_**

The first line is just a simple spell to get rid of pests, but the rest of it.. Nursery rhymes are some of the most powerful words in our world, but also not easy to cast.

**_"Ladybird, ladybird, fly away home, your house is on fire and your children shall burn. All except one, and her name is Nan, and she hid under the porridge pan."_ **

**_"Ladybird, ladybird, fly away home, your house is on fire, and your children shall burn."_ **

I feel my arm start to shake, the spell is weakening me, but the dragon looks more fascinated than anything, I have to keep going.

**_"All but one, and that's little John, and he lies under the grindle stone."_ **

Snow slides off the dragon's neck, landing a few feet behind me.

**_"Ladybird, ladybird, fly away home, your house is on fire and your children shall burn."_ **

For a minute she looks like she's about to take off and leave us in peace, but she just stamps and shakes her head.

I lift my voice louder, but I feel like I could collapse from exhaustion.

**_"All except one, and her name is Aileen, and she hid under a soup tureen."_ **

The dragon turns her head again, like she wants to take off. She wants to go home, so I keep going, even though my entire body is trembling. I'm not just trying to cast a spell, I'm trying to break another at the same time.

**_"Ladybird, ladybird, fly away home, your house is on fire, and your children shall burn."_ **

Snow is standing right behind me, he puts one hand on my shoulder, and wraps his other arm around my waist, steadying me, and then-I can hardly describe what it feels like, it's like his magic is pouring into me, making me so much stronger than I ever could be on my own. I'm not shaking anymore, and my voice has gotten louder. I feel like I could do this forever. Like I could do anything.

**_"Ladybird, ladybird, fly away home!"_ **

The dragons wings flap frantically as it turns to the sky and takes off, turning into nothing more than a red blob in the sky.

 **"As you were!"** I hear someone-probably Bunce, shout, everyone who was watching disappears and we're left alone in the courtyard.

Whatever strength or magic or whatever (seriously, what was that?) that Simon was giving me is gone now, and I feel dizzy and exhausted, I used up all of my magic, and it doesn't help that I haven't fed in over 24 hours.

I turn around and start to fall forward (Baz, get it together. This is ridiculous. You are not a damsel is distress.) Simon easily catches me, and suddenly we're both sitting on the ground, Snow's hand is on my back, partially holding me up, I sink back and rest my head on his chest, and he wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me closer. (Okay. I might be okay with being a damsel in distress, if it means Snow catches me in his arms. Crowley, this is sad.)

"Shh, it's okay. I've got you." He says, brushing hair out of my face and rubbing his hand along my jawline.

I take in a deep breath, (Simon smells like homemade cinnamon buns) "Snow, what was that?"

"Exactly what I was going to ask?" says Bunce, running up. "And what did it do to Baz?"

"I don't think it was Simon. The humdrum put a guarding spell on the dragon, I used up all my magic trying to break it."

Bunce take out her wand and points it at me, **"Get well soon!"**

It gives me back at least a bit of strength, so I sit up, instantly missing the warmth of Snow's arms.

"Come on, let's get you back to our dorm so you can rest." Snow says, reaching out his arm to help me up.

"I'll catch up with you. I think Miss Possibelf wants some explanation." We look over to see Miss Possibelf and two other teachers walking up. "I'll take care of it, you two go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any prompts you'd like me to write, or just want to chat about the book, come find me on tumblr: emilythegirlwhodreamed.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Baz have a long overdue talk. (Well, if they can ever stop kissing.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a lot of fun to write, I hope you enjoy it!  
> As usual, the characters belong to Rainbow Rowell, I'm just borrowing them for a while.  
> It's a big help if comment and let me know what you like/don't like, ect.  
> Hopefully I'll have chapter 4 up by the end of the week.

Baz and I went up to our room while Penny talked to Miss Possibelf. I could tell he still felt like he could barely walk, but he refused to let me help him, the stubborn idiot. He fell asleep as soon as he laid down in his bed.

So now I'm sitting here, pretending to read, and trying to not stare at Baz as he sleeps. All the things I've never noticed before, how long his eyelashes are, the shape of his lips, the way his long black hair is falling in his face, the rise and fall of his chest as he breaths, the way his mouth is turned into an adorable pout as he sleeps. I realize that I really enjoy noticing these things about him. I enjoy kissing him, I enjoy wanting to kiss him. I enjoy all of this much better than fighting.

I can't resist, I lean over and kiss his forehead. He doesn't wake up, but his adorable pout turns into a faint smile that makes my heart flutter. _Crowley, how long have I felt like this about Baz?_

~~~

I wake up and see Snow sitting on his bed with a book open in his hands, except he's staring straight at me. (That really doesn't help the fact that all I want to do is pin him against a wall and kiss him.)

"Hey, sleeping beauty. I was wondering if you were ever going to wake up." Snow says, but he actually sounds a bit relieved.

"Is that why you were watching me like a hawk?" I question.

"No. I just like looking at you." He says it like it was a perfectly normal thing to say.

If I had fed recently I'm sure my face would turn red. I don't have any retort for that, so I just sit there staring at him for a minute.

"So, that things with the magic, pretty cool, right?"

It takes me a minute to even remember what he's talk about, "Sure, but what exactly was _that_?"

"I'm not entirely sure. I guess I shared my magic with you? We should see if we can do it again."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"It didn't hurt you? Did it?"

"No, it actually felt... Really good." I admit reluctantly. It's not that I don't want to figure out more about whatever that was, it's that I would much rather he bring up the fact that we kissed, but he seems to be avoiding that topic. Maybe he wants to forget it ever happened. (I've never wished more that there was a spell to read minds.)

"Great, then we should try it."

He comes over and we both sit cross legged on my bed, facing each-other, he reaches over and grabs both of my hands. It feels like electrical currents are running up my arms, but I don't think that's the magic.

A minute later it feels the same, no magic, just the feeling of Simon Snow holding my hand.

"I don't feel anything."

He looks up at me, raising his eyebrows, "Nothing?"

"Are you trying to do something?" I question.

"No." He says plainly.

"Well, are you going to try?"

He shrugs, leaning forward so his face is only about a foot away from mine. He's just staring up at me through those ridiculously long eyelashes of his.

"Snow." I say it like a warning, because whether or not he's trying to avoid the subject and forget the kiss ever happened, if he gets any closer I will not be able to stop myself, because I am weak, and selfish, and all I really want is to feel his lips on mine again.

"Hm?" He asks, leaning closer, dammit. I can feel his breath on my neck he's so close.

"Simon.." I whisper, because he's so close I don't really need to do anything else, plus, I'm not sure I have the strength to.

"Use your words, Baz." He says with a smirk. He's always hated it when I say that to him, I can see why.

"Simon, I swear, if you get any closer to me I will not be held responsible for my actions."

"Okay." He whispers, and then I see it in his eyes, the bastard knows exactly what he's doing right now.

He leans forward another inch, and I lunge forward, pushing him back and catching his mouth with mine.

~~~

Baz is nearly sitting in my lap, pinning me against his headboard. His mouth is warmer than I expected, and his lips are just as soft and full as they look.

This is different than our first kiss, that was gentle, but hesitant and careful, this one is hungry, urgent, but at the same time it feels like we have all the time in the world.

I grab his waist and pull him closer to me, so he actually is sitting in my lap, straddling my hips. He's already taller than me so I have to crane my neck to reach his mouth.

He has one hand on my neck, holding my head in place, and the other he's trailing up and down my side.

I reach up run my hand through his hair, tugging gently at the ends, and he actually whimpers. I made the great Basilton Pitch _whimper_. I like that.

He gets back at me by trailing his hand down to the hem of my shirt, and rubbing his thumb over the bare skin of my stomach, I'm definitely not proud of the sound that I make. I feel him smirk against my lips, like he won.

Any shred of conscious thought goes out the window when he stops kissing my mouth and starts sucking on my neck, making me gasp. After a minute I gently tug on his hair and capture his mouth with mine again.

We break apart, gasping for air, and Baz scoots back, leaning against the wall.

"Baz," I start, "I like you. A lot. And I like doing this with you. I-"

"Simon." He sighs, leaning forward and resting his forward gently against mine, his hands on my waist again.

"I also really like it when you call me Simon."

"It's not that simple."

"Do you like me too?"

"Crowley, yes, of course I do."

"Then why can't it be as simple as that? I like this a lot better than fighting. I'm not great at much, definitely not at being a boyfriend, but I bloody well want to be your terrible boyfriend." I whisper fiercely, "That part is very simple. So will you let me?"

"I would really like that. _Simon_ " He finally responds, smiling gently and enunciating my name.

He leans forward and kisses me gentler than I would have thought possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to come talk to me on tumblr, or send me any prompts you'd like me to write! emilythegirlwhodreamed.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any prompts you'd like me to write, send them in!  
> emilythegirlwhodreamed.tumblr.com


End file.
